Is It Just Me? Tell Me You Feel It Too.
Finding my ground and getting started in my late-20’s.
A little poem to get this post started..
Is it just me?
Please tell me you feel it too.
That passion in your heart when you pick up something new.
That raw burning sensation that doesn’t seem go out, but right when you get near the end —
Is it just me?
Please tell me you feel it too.
That passion in your heart that powers visions of the future through.
The excitement of finally having an accomplishment you can be proud of.
The thrill of finally finishing something, something that you could never —
Is it just me?
Please tell me you feel it too.
That existential dread of knowing the disappointing end.
The words from those closest to you.
“Just focus a little harder”
“Why do you always give up?”
“Are you even paying attention?”
“You’ll never amount to nothing.”
And finally, “What’s wrong with you”
Stated as a statement of fact, never a question.
A never-ending cycle of passion to failure to passion again.
Of hyping yourself up, to fail in the end.
“I know I can do it, I believe in myself.”
After weeks, months, and years of learning so I can prove it to the world; when the time finally comes!
When the time finally comes…
When the time finally comes…
It’s crickets.
It’s chirps.
I’ve moved on.
Alright, let’s get started.
Mental health was something that was never really a topic of discussion growing up.
Do you feel angry? Stop lashing out and go for a walk and clear your head.
Are you upset? Why? You shouldn’t get upset over that.
Are you happy and excited? Well damn, calm down you’re acting crazy.
You must be crazy! You go from angry to an emotionless zombie in a span of a second. You go flip flop more times that I’ve ever seen.
You’re problem is a lack of focus and motivation. Just focus. Why can’t you finish anything you start? Everyone else does it, you can too.
Focus.
Whenever I was told to “focus” or to keep trying and not give up, it came with a 0–100 feeling of anger.
I was never giving up, I just couldn’t bring myself to move forward.
But if I did, it was pure torture. It took forever and came with a lot of emotional outbursts.
And once I did finally accomplish something, like getting my bachelor’s degree, the sense of pride was out of this world.
It wasn’t always something big like that, but even the small things that I feel most people take for granted.
I got my workout in today? I’d brag to my wife non-stop.
I finally cleaned my desk without my wife telling to me? A sense of accomplishment and about 2 days worth of bragging to her.
Barely passed my classes throughout middle and high school? Where’s the party at?
That last one’s kind of sad and makes me feel like my parents gave up on me and my potential intellect. But I realize that it was their way of accepting that I may potentially have ADHD.
While they constantly nagged, they definitely took notice of the little things I got done and it helped.
Celebrating the little things in life definitely brings on a new perspective and appreciation that most people take for granted.
Quitter.
I have a sincere distaste for the word “quitter”.
At the end of the day, I know I’m not. But to get back to doing something after I get past absorbing some information?
I’d rather die.
Know what’s weird?
Whenever I decide that something new interests me, I get hyped up and I see myself accomplishing it and feel absolutely elated!
But after I start and learn, I get this dead feeling inside of me.
I just can’t keep it going.
And it happens about 99% of the time.
The 1% that has kept up with me is the love for my wife, trading the markets, and writing.
Motivation.
At first, I thought it was a motivational problem. That I just gave up everything when it started to get hard.
But the more I think about it, It’s not the giving up when it gets hard that happens, but rather it’s the giving up because I just no longer feel the need to continue the process and I move on.
It’s not that it’s hard, but I just don’t want to do it anymore. The need or the drive just isn’t there.
Believe me. I’ve tried time and time again to convince myself to just finish what I started. That I paid good money for this, money that could have been used on a gift for my wife or you know…bills.
I’ve bought countless notepads, downloaded numerous apps, bought a whiteboard to put my schedule on but nothing worked.
I’d dismiss notifications on my phone when reminders pop up, I unintentionally (or intentionally) avoid looking at the white board.
It’s literally out of sight out of mind for me.
I know what I need to do for that day. But I can’t bring myself around to it — that metaphorical “shiny new object” in the corner of my eye stole my attention.
But lately, it’s been getting progressively worse.
My lack of short term memory makes me think I may have dementia or might be getting some form of early onset Alzheimer’s that tortured my grandmother.
And it freaks me out.
It was always there, but it’s been getting worse.
Drawing blanks when asked what I was just thinking about a second ago.
Having to write down talking points, or else I forget what I need to say while talking about the first point.
Writing’s the same. I have an entire story in my head and I get to writing the piece, a list of the ABC’s I need to write.
I write point A, then blank.
Unintentional visual images of what other’s are talking about leading to lost chunks of the conversation.
Wanting to look something up a second ago, pulling up Google, then blank.
Did I lock the door and turn off the stove? Yes? Turn around, go to bed, know that I locked the door and turned off the stove but have the need to check again.
So I do.
3 times.
Help.
I don’t like asking for help and maybe it’s a sense of pride.
But at this point in my life I know that help is what I need and in two weeks we’ll see if it’s ADHD or something else entirely.
Asking for help is a huge step for anyone. And it’s definitely led this post and a journey of self-discovery and looking at my life in a different way.
In other words, I’m starting to see the light at the end of my very long, very dark tunnel.
And if you’re struggling as well, I hope this post helps you too.
